“Tom I want to talk to you about something,” my Mom said. ‘Hmm,’ I thought. ‘She doesn’t say that unless there’s really something wrong.’ “Tom, I’m not sure if I should even be mad about this, but I saw your latest article about me and Dad on Medium, and I feel betrayed,”
Thank you for writing this. As someone about to embark on my Substack journey, I find myself worrying about this issue quite a bit. Recently, I’ve turned to this quote from Philip Lopate I find helpful: “Granted, writing about one’s family or intimates can be an aggressive, vindictive act, but it can also be a way of communicating something to loved ones you never could before—a ‘gift’ of the truth of your feelings. It can poison the air or clear it.” Anyway, thanks again! 🙏🏻
Haha I actually waited to publish my second book until after my parents died. I was so resistant to writing that book but then one of my friends said to me a similar thing as you do here. She said, "if they don't like what you said, then let them write their own book." I started writing that day.
When I used to blog about parenting, I sometimes wrote about my kids ( I mean, what else would you write about in a parenting blog?) until they got old enough to realize I was writing about them. Then I realized I had to take into account their preferences. My sons didn't mind so much but my daughter didn't like her name showing up in, well, anywhere. So for almost a decade I stopped for the most part posting in that parenting blog.
That's a different kettle of fish than writing about other friends and relatives who perhaps "should have behaved better" in the words of Anne Lamott that you mentioned.
Several years ago, my older sister and I went to a writing conference and one of the workshops dealt with this very question, how do I write about my family?
It was the only workshop to read that 3-day conference that my sister and I both attended because we had the same question, having had similar growing up experiences and faced with a question, how do you write about crazy stuff? Or personal stuff?
Changing relevant details is a good idea.
Also, sometimes so much time has changed that the people involved don't really mind much anymore, as in the terrific memoir "The Liars' Club" by Mary Karr. She went through some horrific experiences with her closest family members but writes about it in a honest yet refreshing way. Definitely a book I'd recommend.
In my most recent story, I wrote about my mother and was terrified of her reaction. She texted me to say .. “I just read your story (our story too), keep writing, it was so good” and we had a conversation that was 48 years in the making.
I've recently written a novel that took me six months to create. Even with this accomplishment, I still feel weird about family members reading it if and when it gets published. With my posting songs that I've created on substack, it took a looong time to get over the fact that my first subscribers would be friends and family and would finally see what occupied my thoughts day and night. But so far, they've only been supportive of what I post, and posting my thoughts has been so worth it. Thank you for this incredibly relatable and reassuring article.
Your advice here is GOLD. Thank you so much for sharing this. I live by that “if they didn’t want to be talked about badly, they should have behaved better.” I write about what’s-his-name’s games that broke me. And that’s what I call him: “what’s-his-name.” Could be anyone. 🤷♀️
Writing is so powerful that it can change once life.
If you are writing and documenting every aspect of your life whatever you are feeling and whatever you are thinking, You could easily make a valuable thing that is needed by thousands of people.
Start documenting your life.
Show your work.
Try it about all the learnings you have learned so far.
I literally had this happen to me last week. I wrote a blog (changing names and places) about my workplace and the bullying happening there. Someone found it and shared it to a group work chat - and now the whole office has read it. As of yesterday the entire office is being performance managed and the CEOs changed everyone’s desk arrangements 😂 It was equally horrifying and satisfying to watch. Mightier than the sword indeed…
This is all unfortunately right on the money. Have written professionally since 1985 and my family STILL won’t read my stuff. They liked pointing out my byline when I wrote for Variety. New to Substack and you have a great one. Check out mine if you get the chance.
I love the term “documenters” to describe blogging. I am 100% a documenter.
Thank you for writing this. As someone about to embark on my Substack journey, I find myself worrying about this issue quite a bit. Recently, I’ve turned to this quote from Philip Lopate I find helpful: “Granted, writing about one’s family or intimates can be an aggressive, vindictive act, but it can also be a way of communicating something to loved ones you never could before—a ‘gift’ of the truth of your feelings. It can poison the air or clear it.” Anyway, thanks again! 🙏🏻
Haha I actually waited to publish my second book until after my parents died. I was so resistant to writing that book but then one of my friends said to me a similar thing as you do here. She said, "if they don't like what you said, then let them write their own book." I started writing that day.
Jesus wasn’t accepted for who he was in his own hometown. We shouldn’t be too offended when our relatives don’t show interest in our writing.
So I agree with this but it is very funny to remember that James Joyce couldn’t go back to Dublin after his friends read what he wrote.
This is some great advice.
When I used to blog about parenting, I sometimes wrote about my kids ( I mean, what else would you write about in a parenting blog?) until they got old enough to realize I was writing about them. Then I realized I had to take into account their preferences. My sons didn't mind so much but my daughter didn't like her name showing up in, well, anywhere. So for almost a decade I stopped for the most part posting in that parenting blog.
That's a different kettle of fish than writing about other friends and relatives who perhaps "should have behaved better" in the words of Anne Lamott that you mentioned.
Several years ago, my older sister and I went to a writing conference and one of the workshops dealt with this very question, how do I write about my family?
It was the only workshop to read that 3-day conference that my sister and I both attended because we had the same question, having had similar growing up experiences and faced with a question, how do you write about crazy stuff? Or personal stuff?
Changing relevant details is a good idea.
Also, sometimes so much time has changed that the people involved don't really mind much anymore, as in the terrific memoir "The Liars' Club" by Mary Karr. She went through some horrific experiences with her closest family members but writes about it in a honest yet refreshing way. Definitely a book I'd recommend.
In my most recent story, I wrote about my mother and was terrified of her reaction. She texted me to say .. “I just read your story (our story too), keep writing, it was so good” and we had a conversation that was 48 years in the making.
I've recently written a novel that took me six months to create. Even with this accomplishment, I still feel weird about family members reading it if and when it gets published. With my posting songs that I've created on substack, it took a looong time to get over the fact that my first subscribers would be friends and family and would finally see what occupied my thoughts day and night. But so far, they've only been supportive of what I post, and posting my thoughts has been so worth it. Thank you for this incredibly relatable and reassuring article.
Reading your take on this, gave me the final push to go an write my first post. Thank you!
Your advice here is GOLD. Thank you so much for sharing this. I live by that “if they didn’t want to be talked about badly, they should have behaved better.” I write about what’s-his-name’s games that broke me. And that’s what I call him: “what’s-his-name.” Could be anyone. 🤷♀️
Tom, I love the quote from Annie Lamont that you cite: “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”
Writing is so powerful that it can change once life.
If you are writing and documenting every aspect of your life whatever you are feeling and whatever you are thinking, You could easily make a valuable thing that is needed by thousands of people.
Start documenting your life.
Show your work.
Try it about all the learnings you have learned so far.
Help people.
She had your writing with others.
The simple task will change your life.
I literally had this happen to me last week. I wrote a blog (changing names and places) about my workplace and the bullying happening there. Someone found it and shared it to a group work chat - and now the whole office has read it. As of yesterday the entire office is being performance managed and the CEOs changed everyone’s desk arrangements 😂 It was equally horrifying and satisfying to watch. Mightier than the sword indeed…
I’m not afraid of my friends reading my material, I just don’t want to use them as a way to get more subscribers. I feel like I should earn it.
This is all unfortunately right on the money. Have written professionally since 1985 and my family STILL won’t read my stuff. They liked pointing out my byline when I wrote for Variety. New to Substack and you have a great one. Check out mine if you get the chance.
I liked the Anne Lamott quote. So on point.
I took me a while to realize that other people's response to your writing is solely on them, it does not reflect you and you don't own their reaction.
Just curious, had you thought to give your parents a heads up before writing about them or did you assume they would never read it?